Sometimes you a joke is needed to lift you up, bring a smile to someone or just because you like a laugh. Below is a list of some of our favourite for you to use.
- (_!_)An arse (__!__)Fat arse (!)Tight arse (_?_)Dumb arse (_*_)Sore arse (_zzz_)Tired arse (_E=mc2_)Smart arse (_x_)Kiss my arse!!
- I wonder if you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?
- First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering
- For sale : Air Bags, Used once
- friendship is like peeing in your pants. every can see it but only you can feel its true warmth. Thank you 4 being the pee in my pants
- Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
- A dyslexic man walks into a bra
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend
- I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either
- I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs
- Knock! Knock! Who's there? Boo. Boo who? There's no need to cry, it's only a joke
- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred
- News: 3 Chimps escaped from the zoo... 1 was caught watching tv.. another playing football and the third one was caught reading this text message
- Why was the leper caught speeding?He couldn't take his foot of the accelerator
- This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 20 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read without the word dog.
- Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
- What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down? It gets toad away.
- Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion
- A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.
- A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
- The only time incorrectly isn’t spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly
- “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing… except when you’re at a funeral
- Want to hear a pizza joke…. nah, it’s too cheesy.
- What about a construction joke? Oh never mind, I'm still working on that one.
- Did you hear the one about the rope? Skip it.
- Have you heard the one about the guy in the wheelchair? Never mind, it’s too lame
- I used to be in a band, we were called ‘lost dog’. You probably saw our posters
- I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.
- A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.
- Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.
- My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.
- I tried going to the special Olympics yesterday, but there was no where to park.
- How can you be late in London, there's a big clock right in the middle.
- My doctor took one look at
my gut and refused to believe that
I work out. So I listed the exercises
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels,
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.
- So what if I can’t spell Armageddon? It’s not the end of the world
- why did the chicken go to the seance, to get to the other side.
- Q: What did the lawyer name her daughter ? A: Sue
- Q: What has a bottom as its top? A: A leg
- Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it.
- I have the heart of a lion! now I am banned from Bristol zoo.
- I told my girlfriend that her eyebrows looked to high. She seemed surprised.
- I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting larger and larger, and then it hit me.
- And God told John come fourth and I shall grant you eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- A blind man walks into a bar, and a table and a chair.
- Someone sent me a message saying vodka is useful for cleaning around the house. It worked! the more I drank the cleaner the place looked.
- A man died and went to The Judgement, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we've looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn't do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
- We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhoea. Runs in our jeans.
- Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
- I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.
- Why did the scarecrow get a raise? He was outstanding in his field.
- Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
- Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re going pay. You have my Word.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- What do you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player? A tattoo.
- I called a psychic once. She asked who was on the line, so I hung up.
- I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish